Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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