did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
