Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
