so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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