i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
