Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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