I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
