So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
