Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
