I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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