i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
