Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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