im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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