when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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