I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
