I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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