shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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