Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
