Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
