I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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