So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
