My hand turned me down
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
