all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dicks are not precious.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
