btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
where are you?
Hypothermia
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
