What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
