Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
