I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
