I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
