we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
