i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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