I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
