I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
