On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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