he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
