we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
