Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
