I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
