Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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