Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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