Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
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I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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