you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
