Someone shit on the floor
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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