If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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