i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
