Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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