So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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