She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My bed smells like the plague
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
