We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
