I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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