wanna go halves on a baby?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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