I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
