Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
