wakey wakey hands off snakey
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
