Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
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so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You're like the curious george of whores
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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