i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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