They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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