I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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