I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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