Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
