I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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