I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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