If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
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We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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