I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
