What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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