everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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