Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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